sometimes you just need to hear the sound of your own thoughts. and the hum of the air conditioner, because no one can think about anything when they are sweltering. and so what am i thinking about?
well, i'm thinking about yesterday. yesterday was a special day, and it wasn't special for any particular reason, and it wouldn't be special to anyone else besides me. but to me, yesterday was the best day of my marriage. yesterday was the day i fell in love with my husband.
i have loved this man for a long time, loved him with all that i am and all that i have. but there are particular moments when you actually fall for someone. in 2011 i fell in love with him on several different occasions when he was several different things to me. over a few months he was my friend, my boyfriend, and my fiance, and despite the titles changing, the love didn't deepen in them. the love deepened in little moments. here and there.
like falling in love with him for the first time on september 28th even though he was 4,344 miles away in Bonavista, Newfoundland (even though he didn't know it). and again on october 8th when he was in my city, in my heart, in my presence again for the first time in half a decade. i fell harder on october 12th when i found that note after he was gone. and even harder that night we watched the stars down by the river to greet november.
i fell all over again on thanksgiving after his voyage to africa and an absence of three weeks. that night in december packing up my apartment, and especially that christmas morning when he got down on one knee and asked me if i was ready to be with him forever.
it is these little moments that sustain a relationship. it is being able to see love as a process. and an infinite one at that. there will never be a time when you have "found" love. that is such a fallacy. that is why so many relationships fail. you aren't finished when you exchange rings, and say i do, and change your name.
i don't know if i was just naive, but i had this idea that after we were officially married things would just be so easy. i guess it might be because my parents just always made everything work and seem entirely effortless. but the fact is, it's not. but it's not hard either. it's just knowing that falling in love never ends. it is learning to recognize and appreciate those times when your feelings deepen for this amazing person that you are with.
it's been an interesting lesson to learn, and i have definitely grown from these last few months of trying to understand it. for the rest of my life there are going to be moments when my heart skips a beat, and my tummy jumps at the sight or sound of this man. (how amazing is that knowledge!?) and i need to cherish those moments. i need to fall in love with him periodically just like i did the first time, and the second, and the third. and on and on and on, forever.
nothing eventful happened yesterday. it was just me slowing down and taking the time to appreciate all of those things about my husband that i fell in love with in the first place. that maybe i have been taking for granted the last few months. especially his patience. and his smile that lights up his whole face. and the way he holds my hand. how selfless he is. and how amazing his kisses are. and how much he loves me.
yesterday was the first of these moments that i have had in a long time. and maybe i shouldn't say "had," but recognized. i have been in love this entire time, and happy. i have felt more loved than ever before, and i have never trusted anyone this much. nothing has been wrong, but for the first time since i said, "i do." i have fallen, again. yesterday, i was giddy and excited about our love. and i look forward to falling in love with this man over and over again. and i know i will. because he makes it so...easy.
when he went from being my "fiance" to my "husband." there wasn't a switch that was flipped that just changed everything about our relationship. we have to be the ones to make each other fall deeper and deeper in love. that happens not just by expressing our love to one another, but by letting ourselves take the time to really feel that love through those expressions--actions and words.
recognizing these times, like yesterday, is so important. they are what keep our feelings deep and rich for one another. they are what keep things going right, even if they aren't going wrong.