Becoming A Mother

The last few weeks of pregnancy create the strangest circumstance. Your whole life is about to change, you are acutely aware of that, but there is no way to tell exactly when. A due date means almost nothing really, and you could go into labor at any time. Experts say there are signs that labor is imminent, but I didn’t really experience any of that until I was in it.

On the first day of winter I woke up remembering the contractions I had experienced the night before, and how they had teased me into thinking that maybe I was going to have my baby—finally! Until they stopped; and I had to go to sleep wondering when the day would really come, because this had happened before. While I sat and ate breakfast with my family that morning, I felt a couple of contractions about seven minutes apart. This was around 9:30am. I figured that they were just going to stop again so I continued to get ready for the day.

The first day of winter fell on a Sunday this year, and my cousin Connor was giving a talk in his ward because he is leaving on a two-year mission in a couple weeks. As I got ready to go to church I kept having contractions, but I didn’t bother to time them because I didn’t really believe that it was the real thing. As we made the hour drive to Highlands Ranch they kept getting closer together and more intense. By the time we got to the church they were every five and a half to six minutes apart. We sat and listened to the Christmas program their ward performed and to Connor’s sweet message. Afterwards we went to my aunt Alyson’s house for dinner and that is when the fun really began.

It was about 3:00pm when my contractions really started to hurt. They started coming every four and a half to five minutes and some of them brought me to my knees. I will never be able to explain how good it feels the moment a contraction stops. It’s like this wave of relief and almost euphoria because it hurts so badly, and then it just stops. And you can breathe easy again, and it feels. so. good. It is the weirdest thing.

By the time we finished dinner it was about 5:00pm. My contractions stayed about four and a half minutes apart while we made the trek home. Samuel was just getting home from work when my family and I pulled up and I was so happy to see him!  I burst into tears as I wrapped my arms around him and buried my face in his neck. I have never been so happy to smell his tea tree oil beard balm and feel his strong embrace. I had wished so badly that he was with me that whole day, but since we didn’t know if the baby was really coming that day he decided to stay at work until things were clearly progressing. My mom and sisters were already in town so they were there to help me, but still, no one beats a husband’s presence.

At about 7:00pm I decided that I wanted to go for a walk to help things along. I had been having contractions all day and I was over it! I just wanted to hold my baby! So I put my hospital bag (that I had packed just two days before, hash tag procrastinator) in the truck and told my sisters that we would call them if I needed to go to the hospital and they could come pick us up, then we started walking. I decided I wanted to walk pretty far and we made a plan to walk the 3.1 miles from our house to Samuel’s sister Angela’s house. So we walked and walked and walked, across parking lots, and a bridge, through trees, and up gradual hills. And we ran at one point, across a street with cars coming at us, and I think the drivers were horrified. I was.

I will never forget that night. It was so beautiful outside. There was no wind, it was about 45 degrees, and at the end of our walk it started raining so gently. It was picture perfect in everyway and it did not feel like December 21^st. The first day of winter is also called the winter solstice. The word solstice comes from the Latin words for “sun” and “to stand still.” Everything really was standing still for me that night. There were things going on all around me, but I didn’t notice any of it. It was just me; my mind, and my body trying to work together to bring a precious spirit into this world. It was painful and incredible, all at the same time.

When we got to Angela’s I tried to relax. My contractions were about every three and a half minutes now. They were lasting longer and they were more painful than they had been all day. I took a bath and called my sisters to come over so we could go to the hospital. I was so sure that I was about to have my baby! We drove through the rain in the dark, and the street lights glowed off the wet pavement creating what looked like little pieces of sacred ground. It was a magical drive for me, because I was so certain that I would be meeting my baby girl on the other side of it. When we got to the hospital I checked in downstairs, and then a nurse came and got me in a wheelchair and wheeled me up to the Labor and Delivery floor at about 9:30pm.

When Sam and I went to tour the birthplace at the hospital about a month before, it was a ghost town. There were no expecting mothers in the triage and only one or two rooms were being used for post partum care. Of course the night that I went into labor the triage was at capacity and there were five patients just from my doctor there! It was crazy. At the appointment I had on Tuesday the 16^th my doctor had checked me and I wasn’t dilated at all, but he said my cervix was very thin. I had heard that if your cervix is thin then you can dilate really quickly, so I was hoping to be dilated enough to be admitted. When the nurse checked me in the triage she said I was fully effaced but I was only dilated half of a centimeter!!! It was such a let down. I cried through my next couple contractions, partially because they really hurt, but also because I was so disappointed that after 12 hours of contractions I had hardly dilated at all.

“I’ll come back and check on you in two hours, okay? I’m sorry; I know you’re in pain. You can get up and walk around, or just stay in the bed, it’s up to you,” she said.

I was so sure that this was it—that I was going to have my baby in the next couple of hours, but I wasn’t. It was frustrating because I was the only one in that room even having consistent contractions; everyone else was just hanging out and reading magazines, their contractions had stopped and they were just waiting to go home. I kept having contraction after contraction, but after two hours and a bunch of walking around the hospital, the nurse checked me again and I hadn’t progressed at all. I am pretty sure I cried and maybe yelled at the nurse when she told me I had to go home.  I was in so much pain from being in labor all day, and I knew that my contractions weren’t going to stop. I just didn’t understand why they weren’t dilating my cervix.

“Just go home and try and get some rest,” the nurse told me. Only that was impossible since I was literally contracting every two and a half to three minutes. I was so tired. All I wanted to do was sleep. I really, really wanted to sleep. I just couldn’t. So then I just wanted someone to knock me out so that I didn’t have to feel any more contractions. Seriously. I kept day-dreaming about falling and hitting my head, or someone coming at me with a baseball bat. It’s funny now, but not then so much. I was just so frustrated because I wasn’t even progressing. Nothing like being in pain for what feels like no reason!

I hadn’t gotten very much sleep the night before either, and I remember thinking that I could have the baby “any day but today.” “Just don’t go into labor today,” I told myself, “any day but today.” Ha! That’s the way it always works out, isn’t it?

So we went home at about 1:00am on the 22^nd. Sam had been working and been up since 2:00am on the 21^st, so he went downstairs to sleep and I sat up in our room with my mom while she tried to help me relax and breathe through each contraction. I kept contracting for two more hours about two minutes apart and they never slowed down, and they were getting longer each time, so I told my mom that we needed to go back to the hospital.

We got back to the hospital around 3:30am and I checked into the triage again. I was certain that I had to be dilated more after all that, but the nurse (same nurse who I yelled at -_-) checked me and I had only dilated half a centimeter more. So I was at one centimeter—after an entire day of labor. I was so angry. I was so tired and in so much pain and I had nothing to show for it (I mean 1 centimeter is basically nothing). I literally felt like I could not endure one more contraction…but they just kept coming, like giant waves of pain crashing into me, knocking the wind out of me. My back ached so badly, and I felt like I was going to throw up. The nurse said she would come back and check me in a half hour, but if I wasn’t dilated any more then they would send me home again.

          

I was so mad; I can’t even explain the feeling of defeat that came over me. This was not how I pictured things. Actually, I had tried really hard not to picture what labor or delivery would be like because it freaked me out too bad. My whole pregnancy I just thought, “I’ll make decisions as I have to and just go with the flow.” I never thought about not having a choice. About being in pain and not being able to do anything but endure it.

When the nurse left, another contraction hit, but this one hurt a lot worse. I was writhing in my bed, I couldn’t even sit still, and my mom came to my bedside and told me that I needed to really focus on relaxing when I had each contraction. I realized then that every time I had a contraction I would tighten everything in my body and fight it, but I needed to just relax and let it come. I said a prayer, asking for strength because I literally didn’t have anymore left in me. And then had about 10 contractions before the nurse came back. This time I was totally ready for her to tell me that we had to go home again. Totally ready to have a major break down because I just couldn’t do it anymore.

When she checked me this time I had to have her repeat herself because I just couldn’t believe it when she said I was dilated three and a half centimeters! Hallelujah! I was being admitted. Finally! When the nurse asked if I wanted an epidural I shouted “yes!” and then some other lady came in and poked me for my IV.

“That didn’t even hurt, “I said.

“I would be worried if you thought that hurt after the contractions you’ve been having,” she joked.

Then the nurse came back and gave me some other pain medicine in my IV until the anesthesiologist got there. And that was nice. Verrrrry nice. It lead to me telling her that she looked like Kristen Wiig, and some other embarrassing comments.

When the anesthesiologist walked in I remember being really confused. Partially because of the pain medicine they had given me—it was making me blurry—and also because he was dressed like a farmer. He was seriously wearing a navy blue plaid flannel, and jeans. And boots! Like, who was this guy? I instantly trusted him and liked him, but wasn’t he supposed to be wearing scrubs?  Was he really supposed to be sticking a giant needle in my back? But he did, and it didn’t hurt at all. I didn’t even feel it. Or maybe it only hurt so much less than the contractions I had been having that it felt like nothing. I don’t know. But it was fantastic.

If you’re pregnant and wondering about an epidural, get the freaking epidural. Do it. Seriously. It made the whole experience so much better. I know some people have really short and easy labors and maybe they don’t even really need one, but I don’t think I could have made it without one. Plus I was much nicer after I got it. My first nurse who had been in the triage with me all night left at 7:00am, and I wasn’t that nice to her before I got it, but by the time she left I was so sad to see her go. She checked me right before she left and I was almost dilated to a seven, so my doctor came in and broke my water, but then he had to leave to another delivery, so I just tried to sleep. And also took a bunch of selfies? (Pain meds, I blame the pain meds).

When my new nurse got there I fell in love with her instantly. She was the best. She was on top of her game, and she made me feel like a million bucks. She turned the monitor so I could watch my contractions, because after the epidural all I could feel was pressure, but I didn’t know how big they were unless I was looking at the monitor. I think I got my epidural around 5:00am or so, and after that until 8:30am I slept off and on as the nurse came in to check me and/or the monitor. After the epidural I was able to really relax so my contractions dilated me pretty quickly and I was at a 10 within a few hours. When the nurse checked me she was like, “Woah, you’re ready and so is that baby! Her head is right there!”

Buuuut my doctor was delivering another baby a couple rooms down and so I had to wait. And wait. His other delivery ended up taking so long that the nurse actually came back without him and had me start pushing until the baby was crowning. I’m telling you, I really loved that lady. She was so patient and the best cheerleader. It also helped that I had my husband holding one hand and my sisters holding the other hand. When my doctor came in to deliver, things went so fast. I ended up only pushing for 23 minutes total, including my time with the nurse. It was amazing. The whole experience was so perfect. I feel so blessed that everything went so well. My doctor and nurses were the best! I could not have asked for better care. And the room was filled with people I love. The love in that room, especially right when I had the baby, was almost tangible. I wish that I could have just scooped up that feeling in a jar and saved it.

I will never forget meeting my baby girl for the first time. When I sit and think about it I can still feel her warm, wet skin on my hands as I grabbed her and pulled her onto my chest for the first time. Remembering the sound of her first little cries still brings tears to my eyes. And all the feelings I had come back so quickly when I think of that morning, at 10:26am when my life changed forever. That morning I saw my whole world in one tiny baby girl’s eyes. Complete with a full head of black hair, just like I knew she would have. And she was mine. She was my daughter; God had allowed me to create her. She was mine in a way no one and nothing else had ever been before. She was glorious, all 8 pounds 7 ounces and 21.25 inches of her.

No one can prepare you for motherhood. Nothing anybody says will ever describe the kind of love that you have for your baby, and the experience that it is to birth a soul. I have never felt a more powerful emotion and I don’t believe I ever will. My heart felt like it exploded when Naomi came into this world to join our family. Having her here with us the last couple weeks has been the best time of our lives.  

There is something that happens when you have a child, that you can’t physically feel, or see. It is a knowledge you acquire of all the mothers in the world and why they do what they do and love how they love. You become painfully aware of your ignorance and your naivety; and all the things you didn’t understand when you were living under your parents’ roof suddenly make sense. And your mom becomes your biggest hero, and your birthday holds so much more meaning, and you see your dad differently too. It changes you in a way only becoming a parent can change you, and it’s life altering.

It feels like yesterday that we met Naomi for the first time, but it also feels like she has been with us forever. Not a day goes by that I haven’t thanked my Heavenly Father for giving me this sweet little spirit to care for and raise in love. My heart is so full of gratitude for her presence in our home. Naomi has brought so much love into our lives, not just for her, but also for each other. I love Samuel in a way that I never would have known possible as I watch him love our daughter. It is fitting that she was born on December 22^nd.  After the darkest day of the year, every single day since, she and the sun have brought more and more light into our world.

Pregnancy.

picture from 20 weeks

No one can prepare you for pregnancy. No one can tell you what your journey to motherhood is going to feel like. It's indescribable, and it is the greatest blessing. I have never felt closer to my Father in Heaven than I have since being pregnant and preparing to welcome one of His precious spirits into our family.

For the first time in my life, my body and spirit have felt their full power as I have come to fulfill the measure of my creation. I feel godly, I feel powerful, I feel my true purpose coursing through my veins, and I feel joy; especially when I sit quietly and feel the sweet movements of this baby inside of me. It is magical.

I have also never been more terrified in my life. I think about little else besides this baby and I have never loved someone so much. There are a million fears and "what ifs" running through my mind, but at the end of the day I feel peaceful because I feel the comfort of God's approval. Somehow I know, deep down inside, that He is pleased with Samuel and I. I can feel His joy for us as we prepare to receive His greatest blessing for all of His children--to create our own families. I have had so many experiences since being pregnant where my mind has been opened to the importance of families to our Heavenly Father. He loves us and wants us to be happy and nothing has brought me more happiness. Not ever.

I am 23 weeks along now and I have been feeling so good. Which is a big change from my first trimester (thank goodness). The contrast is so great I honestly felt like a super hero for the first couple weeks after the nausea subsided. It had just been SO long since I hadn't felt too sick and tired to do ANYTHING, that I felt like I could do EVERYTHING!

Also, I really like my doctor. I've had an ultrasound at every single appointment because he loves me (and I may have bribed him with brownies to let Sam see the baby since he doesn't get to come to every appointment). He even did his own ultrasound after we had an ultrasound at radiology for my 20 week appointment because he wanted to see the baby for himself! Haha. He also lets Sam find the heartbeat with the Doppler when he is there. It's really fun. Once Sam finds it he comes over and counts the beats.

I found this pregnancy questionnaire here that I thought would be fun to answer incase any of you were wondering how things are going :)

How far along: 23 weeks!

How big is baby? The size of a large mango! (My uterus is now the size of a soccer ball!!)

Total weight gain: About even from when I lost a bunch of weight from being so sick my first trimester. Maybe even a few pounds lighter still.

Maternity clothes: Some shirts, most of my shirts still fit and all my pants still fit thank goodness.

Stretch marks: nope!

Sleep: I sleep well but get up 3-4 times a night to pee.

Best moment of this week: Feeling this baby move all the time! She kicked so hard earlier this week I felt her heel in my hand!

Miss anything: Sushi. So much I miss sushi.

Movement: SO much movement. I feel her the most when I am lounging. She likes to move the most at night and early in the morning when I'm trying to sleep! Ha.

Food cravings: Still on my cereal kick. Also cook & serve vanilla or banana pudding, A&W root beer, vegetables, salads, shrimp

Anything making you queasy or sick: Not anymore! Hallelujah. Although, Chick Fil A chicken strips always make my stomach turn now because I tried to eat them while I was really sick around 9 weeks.

Have you started to show yet: Um yes.

Gender: Girl!!

Labor signs: nope!

Belly button in or out: In

Wedding rings on or off: On

Happy or moody most of the time: Really happy! I have my moments, especially if I am tired or hungry, and I cry easier, but for the most part I just feel so happy all the time.

Looking forward to: Going camping this weekend with friends and Sam's birthday next weekend!

Next appointment: September 9th!

South Dakota:: Part II (Mount Rushmore)

After we were in Sioux Falls we headed west to Rapid City--the closest city to Mount Rushmore. On the way I made Samuel stop in Pierre, South Dakota so that I could take a picture of the capital building there. I am a little bit obsessed with state capital buildings these days, I'm so happy Samuel caters to my silliness when he can. ;)

The day before we left Rapid city we decided we had to go see Mount Rushmore. It was everything I had dreamed it would be since I was a little girl. It was beautiful, and amazing, and interesting, and incredible and it made me feel so proud to be an American. It also felt really good to check it off of my bucket list. I love discovering this world with my sweet husband. I can't wait for our next adventure!

After we visited Mount Rushmore we were heading south to Colorado, so we swung by the Crazy Horse Monument to snap a picture on the way. Do you think they will ever finish it?

South Dakota:: Part I

We left Ohio early in the morning, it was still dark, but you let me sleep while you started our drive to South Dakota. When I opened my eyes I could see the window was cracked, and the sky was already bright with the sun's rays. I closed my eyes--not there yet, not even close.

I sat there, listening to the wind whip passed the car, and tried to pretend I didn't notice it blowing my hair into my face. I thought sleep would overtake me again, but I couldn't give into it. I was too aware of my sticky back and sore neck. I sat up, shaking off the last of my sleepiness and turned to you. A smile started on my lips...I can't seem to keep it away for long when you are around.

You turned and looked at me with those squinty eyes you do, and you pushed your mouth out a little to one side as if to say, "Oh hey. Where have you been my whole life?" My heart leapt. You always get this gleam in your eye when you look at me that way that puts my heart at ease, because I know you are happy, and I am happy too. It is a funny happiness, a contentment that is fleeting, but unmistakable in those moments that it comes. All of our circumstances screamed discomfort, but in those moments when it was just us two gypsies, driving to the next city with all we needed crammed into the trunk; in those moments we did't need anything else, and those moments breathed a contentment into my heart that it had never felt before.

We drove for hours. The AC in our car was (and still is) broken, so once I was awake we put both windows all the way down trying to move the heavy air around as much as possible. Our shirts still clung to our damp backs, and I felt sticky under the humidity almost the whole way, but it wasn't too bad. We cranked the music up high, chewed on sunflower seeds, stuck our feet out the windows and sang at the top of our lungs. You made me laugh, and never got impatient with me when I had to stop so many times to use the bathroom.

The sun set somewhere over Iowa. It was the end of June and summer was in full swing, so I welcomed the coolness of dusk. The colors in front of us were fiery and bright and as we drove I wished I could stop the sun and have that sky forever.

For the next few weeks we would live amongst people we will most likely never see again, and it was sort of satisfying to know that for the next "x" amount of time all we had under that great big sky was each other, that everything else was superficial, and temporary. We relished in the dry heat of the big South Dakota sun, and I dreamed of summers at home in Nevada. Living that gypsy life alone I can't imagine to be very fulfilling, but that gypsy life with you was a dream. I have always felt that it has been us against the world, but South Dakota made me believe that with my whole entire heart.

Sioux Falls is home to one of the most beautiful parks I have ever seen, called Falls Park. An unexpected Monday off left us time to enjoy some sunshine there. We climbed all over the small cliffs and took some pictures before we headed to an office BBQ. This (above) is one of my very favorite pictures of us. I love that husband of mine. So much.